UK Top 40 Watch - Edition #3 (Feat. Loreen, Usher, Carly Rae Jepsen, Cheryl)

This week’s top 40 saw Cheryl hit number one, while Carly Rae Jepsen, Fun and Gotye all managed to hang in the top 20. I can safely report that none of the songs in this week’s chart will mark you out as ‘cool’ if you listen to them.

Best song of the week: Loreen - Euphoria (no. 20)

I am a big fan of everything Scandinavian, so you can imagine my delight when Loreen took Eurovision back to Sweden, especially because no one does pop music better than the Swedes. ‘Euphoria’ gradually builds up into well, a euphoric chorus, which is a bit like if you were travelling through clouds and then finally you reach the sky and light. Then all the club beats come in and everything gets really dancey and awesome, until she rhymes ‘infinity’ with ‘divinity’ but we can let that embarrassment slide. Loreen also spoke out against the human rights abuses in Azerbaijan before her Eurovision entry, so it’s safe to say she’s a righteous dude.

         Worst song of the week: Usher - Scream (no. 8)

There was definitely a point in my life where I thought Usher was really fucking cool. Sadly that day is no more. This song should be renamed ‘ooh baby baby’ because the ratio of ‘ooh baby baby’s to screaming is significantly in the formers favour. The phrase isn’t even real English, and also incredibly inappropriate considering this song is not about chubby, ugly six month old kids but about SEX. Yes, surprising news for all but this is a ballad in which the narrative portrays Usher wooing a foxy lady. I’m pretty sure I have heard this same song with different names about 100 times over the past 5 years. An interesting statistic which showcases how bloody dull some of the chart can be now.

Guilty pleasure: Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe (no. 12)

This song has been around for a while but the pleasure just will not diminish no matter how much I want it to. Despite the fact Carly Rae Jepsen is not a sweet teenager like I assumed, but in fact TWENTY SIX YEARS OLD, you cannot shake ‘Call Me Maybe’. It will swirl around your head for days, you’ll start slipping the lines into conversation until all you can do is sing ‘Call Me Maybe’. That bit at the beginning which sounds like music from Sims, the chorus to beat all choruses, the surprisingly funny video, I can’t get enough of it all. And if you don’t get the Carly-hype yet, watch her doing this song with Jimmy Fallon and the Roots. They all look so happy in it you will not fail to enjoy yourself. Also we all want Carly to call us maybe, am I right?

Number One: Cheryl - Call My Name

Is Cheryl trying to get in on the Carly calling hype or what? Unfortunately everyone’s favourite member of Girls Aloud can’t quite make it to the intoxicating pop highs of ‘Call Me Maybe’, even though bits of this track do sound like a Jamie XX remix. As catchy as this little ditty is, I wish Cheryl would just get Girls Aloud back together for the good of humanity AND PRONTO. Or make ‘Fight for This Love’ be number one again. Now that was a brilliant song.

Jessy Parker Humphreys 

UK Top 40 watch - Edition #2 (Rita Ora, Skrillex, Nicki Minaj & Gary Barlow)

THE TOP 40 FEATURE IS BACK! HURRAH I HEAR YOU ALL CHEER. Every week we’re going to take you through some of the highlights in the chart, from the best songs to the worst. Now we can all join together as one superior mass laughing in a patronising manner at the utter crap the general public spend their money on, as well as rejoicing in the not so guilty pleasures which we all hold in our hearts.

Best Song of the week: Rita Ora - RIP Feat. Tinie Tempah (no12)

Rita Ora has generally been rubbished by pretty much the whole internet as a mini-Rihanna who therefore deserves little to no attention. But wait a minute, she’s signed to Roc Nation after she caught the attention of JAY Z. Come on that’s pretty cool. RIP was originally written by Drake for Rihanna who for some incomprehensible reason didn’t want it. Tinie Tempah’s rap is the only thing that takes away from the track but Ora’s chorus is so bloody fantastic you end up forgetting about Tempah’s brief appearance as she waves goodbye to the girl she used to be. Add to that a pretty flawless performance on Jools Holland earlier in the year and I think we have a new pop starlet on the scene. And I dare you not to get a little bit turned on by her in the video.

 

Worst song of the week: Skrillex - Bangarang (no31)

 

I enjoy any chance I get to moan about the utter dirge of shit that is Skrillex and this 3.37 seconds of practically unlistenable rubbish which probably makes children cry is another brilliant opportunity. Most of the song sounds like a 13 year old messing around with the sound effects on a keyboard, there doesn’t even appear to be any discernable rhythm to it. A distinct lack of ‘wubwubwubs’ probably proves that Skrillex is changing his sound, moving away from his niche. Wow he is a true trendsetter, stepping out of his comfort zone, like a middle aged woman whose gone sky diving for the first time. Who on earth is buying this crap? Anyone wanting to sign my petition to have Skrillex forcibly banned from making music should comment below.

Guilty pleasure: Nicki Minaj - Starships (no20)

Nicki Minaj’s figure is possibly the least comprehensible thing in the whole entire universe and will distract you from listening to the song the first three times you watch this video. After you’ve got over that you’ll discover a banging pop song which, no matter how much you want to hate it, will wiggle its way into your head until you find yourself screaming it in the shower. With less rapping and less of the rubbishy lyrics, this song managed to convert me from a Minaj-hater to part of the ‘team’. If it doesn’t work for you at least we can all laugh at the funny voice she does when she’s rapping. 

Number one: Gary Barlow and the Commonwealth band - Sing

Of course in the patriotic craze that has swept the country recently, it is unsurprising that Gary Barlow’s new national anthem hit the top spot this week. Written with Andrew Lloyd Webber and featuring every person in the entire Commonwealth (ok just some dancers and the Military Wives Choir) this is the kind of song you just know your gran will love, particularly because Gareth Malone makes an appearance AND he’s wearing a bow tie. The video shows Gary going round and being a general do-gooder, not just in Britain, oh no, ALL OVER THE WORLD. What a hero. A particularly brilliant moment in the video is when Gary is being rowed down a river and looks exactly like Pocahontas. Little known fact about this week’s number 1: if you play it backwards you’ll get to hear Gazza crying about how much he wants a knighthood over Take That’s Greatest Hits.


Jessy Parker